MARCH OF THE PENGUINS MOVIE REVIEW

MARCH OF THE PENGUINS (2005)

This movie is so deceiving it reminds me of this group of people in society called teachers.

You can find teachers in schools. That is usually where they live.

Teachers are always tricking kids to do homework by giving them awesome things like stickers.

Teachers vs. Kids is one of the oldest rivalries in history and I am almost positive it goes back to the Crustaceous period. I think most of the people from the Crustaceous period are dead, but if you see someone with wrinkly skin, it is a good bet that is when they were born.

Recently, kids were winning the battle against teachers.

Then - probably around WWII - teachers decided to invent the sticker. These things are huge weapons in the fight against kids. If you can imagine twenty tank guns and lasers shooting at you then you get the idea of what a sticker can do.

Some stickers are even more powerful than this. Some of them smell like food such as ham and cheese, tuna salad, lasagna, root beer and gravy. I love gravy. Name one kid who can resist a sticker that smells. I can't.

So that's how teachers get kids to do homework. They are so damn tricky. Even though I am not in school anymore they are still deceiving me.

All I want is stickers and the only way to get them is to do homework. Teachers are basically the Fort Knox of the sticker supply in the United States.

This movie tricked me the same way those teachers do. Here is how:

1. I thought it was a movie about a hockey team called the Pittsburgh Penguins. I realized afterwards that no one wants to make a movie about the Pittsburgh Penguins. They maybe have about seven fans, eight tops.
2. I thought there were going to be actors in it, but it's just a bunch of stupid penguins. And all they do is walk back and forth to different places. Don't get me wrong, I like walking, but I don't want to watch someone else doing it, let alone penguins.
   

I'm sure all the actors in Hollywood and the few that are in Canada turned down the roles in this movie so some stupid Hollywood exec thought they could replace the actors with penguins. What a dumb idiot.

I'd like to slap that guy in the face and then do a wrestling move on him. I'd probably choose the Stone Cold Stunner. No one, and I mean no one, has ever gotten up from a Stone Cold Stunner.

To make matters worse, I found out in the middle of the movie that this was a documentary. I was so livid. I complained to the manager to get my money back. I told her to her face that no one in their right mind goes to see a documentary in a movie theatre. I think she agreed with me because she gave me a free popcorn.

I mean there were no car chase scenes, no gun shoot outs, no hot chicks, no video games, no blowing peoples heads off and no fist fights. What was the director thinking?

I would have liked to have seen the penguins involved in a drug deal gone bad. Maybe it could have been a good penguin cop/bad penguin cop movie. What about a futuristic penguin movie? I've always wondered what penguins would look like in the future.

There are so many good things you could do with penguins, I just felt it was a wasted opportunity.