JAWS MOVIE REVIEW

JAWS

Everyone knows my vendetta with Steven Spielberg goes back to his “War of the Worlds” days. He took so many liberties and did so many things wrong with that movie that I have made him my sworn enemy ever since.

As I type this right now, I wish I was a samurai. I wish it with my whole heart. I would use a sword and do so many cool samurai moves. I’d be all up in his grill doing flips and sidekicks. Spielberg wouldn’t know what do. Spielberg can’t handle the samurai.

Since “War of the Worlds” I made a promise to reveal the truth about this guy Spielberg. Everyone agrees that he is a phony baloney. Now we can add instigator to the list of adjectives to describe him.

“Jaws” was apparently the first big blockbuster for Spielberg. As of today, I hope it is his last. This movie is really mean towards sharks. The only thing he shows them doing is biting and killing people.

I know a lot about science. I had to take it from third grade all the way to 12th grade. That’s a lot of science -- almost ten years worth of the most rigorous scientific training.

With my knowledge of science I could probably be a high profile doctor and do tons of hip surgeries and cataracts surgeries. I’m always doing the Hippocratic Oath especially if I know a friend or family member is sick. You can not legally practice medicine without this.

One of the main things I like to use when practicing medicine on my friends is the ACE Bandage and cortisone cream.

I heard strippers use cortisone cream all the time and I’ve never heard of a stripper getting sick. Strip joints are so clean and medically sterile it’s unbelievable. Once I get my medical license I would perform most of my surgeries there.

Because I know a lot about science, I know that sharks do more than just bite people and kill them to death. Scientifically, sharks like to swim around, jump very high out of the water and make babies. Spielberg didn’t show this because he either (a.) Doesn’t like sharks (b.) Doesn’t know science. I think it’s a little of both.

Because Spielberg portrayed sharks so unfairly in “Jaws”, sharks have been out for revenge ever since. Thanks to Spielberg, I am always seeing shark attacks on the national news. How long can this guy get away with doing stuff like this?

I sometimes wonder what I would do if he made a movie about me biting and killing people. I would be so mad and so angry I wouldn’t be able to think. I’d probably be so mad that I would bite someone. The last time I got really angry I started biting my hand and my pillow.

I’m not sure how often sharks have meetings but after “Jaws” came out they probably held an emergency meeting in the Pacific. In my head I know there was a lot of arguing and anger going on. When everything settled down, the head shark probably told the other sharks “If Spielberg wants to show us as crazy, unpredictable man eating animals, well let’s show him just how crazy and unpredictable we can be.”

That’s why there is so many shark attacks now. Sharks HATE this movie. Shark attacks are the biggest proof of this. “Jaws” is a dangerous movie and must be pulled off our shelves today. Until this happens I would not go into the water because sharks are at their boiling point.